My “Why”
Somewhere along the way I finally learned that we are all on a long journey “home”….home to that place within ourselves that is filled with the peace and joy of leaning into our authentic and genuine selves.
When I was a kid, I frequently felt “that homesick feeling” in my belly. I felt it all the time…with my family, at school, with friends, on a beach vacation. Sometimes I had the courage to share with my people what I was feeling, as I was curious and wanted to be connected to others by sharing my inside feeling experience. Many times, my courageous share was met with silence, disinterest or dismissive words. My soul felt crushed, abandoned, alone and isolated.
My childhood and growing up experience was an interesting combination of a difficult and painful “outside” world and my glorious “inside” world. During my first 18 years of life, I experienced my mother’s suicide attempt, being in the middle of domestic violence, parental substance use, the death of my father, and other developmental trauma experiences. I found safety in trees, in books, and mostly in my own inner world that was bright, beautiful…where I could sing and dance and play. At the time, having Developmental Trauma meant nothing to me. Riding my bike and escaping was my focus!
And then….
I learned to numb my feelings, disconnect from my tough childhood experiences and move far away from the person I was meant to be. I left “home” while growing up, and stepped into the person everyone else wanted me to be.
I began college at 18, flunked out at 19 and opened a dance studio at 20. During the next 15 years of my life, I soaked in being the creative director of one of Eastern Pennsylvania’s most vibrant dance studios for youth. I loved the kids, their families, our accomplishments together…it was an amazing season of my life. Many of those students now have their own families and are treasured friends I hold close in my heart.
On a mid-life birthday morning, I began to wake up….
Things felt like a huge mess in my life. Externally all looked fabulous….husband, kids, dogs, house…all the things.
Internally, an inferno was raging.
Having never been to therapy, I didn’t even know what the process was like. I was fortunate to find an amazing therapist, and we easily connected. We got to work, and we worked HARD! The journey wasn’t always easy, and sometimes it downright sucked. Neither one of us ever gave up. Today, years later, we still savor working together, even with the heavy lifting of childhood trauma in the rearview mirror. My therapist is a gift and blessing in my life that I treasure deeply.
I am a mom of amazing adult kids who are the center of my world. Samantha is a professional golfer and loving Dog Mom. C.J. and his lovely wife, Madison, live in VA with their mischievous cat and full life of outdoor adventures.
My husband and I find tremendous joy in our long term marriage that spans three decades, raising children (and dogs), being each other’s best friend and helping each other become the best version of ourselves. We keenly understand that childhood wounding can show up in our partnerships and shake us to our core when we lack the skills to navigate the rough waters. Our marriage was rocked and we spent years apart, yet never out of love with each other. We found our way back to each other and a fabulous relationship. Our greatest joy is sharing our lives with our adult kids and our spunky Golden Retriever, Yoddha.